An Unpublished Draft
Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatuLlah wa barakaatuh.
Trust that you're good, striving and thriving.
I wrote this piece in 2021 and never got round to publishing it, Alhamdullilahi that it is still relevant!
Backbiting, the dreaded sin that has built a house in many hearts, the one that has become the tenant that the owner can no longer chase, the difficult one. Smart enough to hide under different covers and sleek enough to adapt to many situations. It is adaptable as it gets, can fit into work conversations, friendly talks, consoling discussions and many others. It is no news that this is a troublesome one and it certainly does not help that it comes with years of experience too.
We all know the dire consequences of this tempting act, but yet we still indulge ..Crazy isn’t it? Regardless, we should be determined more than ever to beat this ugly beast once and for all. My determination to conquer this has led me down many roads from personal activities to courses and even research activities, just to make sure it goes away, FOREVER.
Recently I decided to approach this conquest from a different angle, the exact spot where backbiting rears its ugly head the most! Yes, I am talking about gatherings, anything that involves you and somebody else, physical or not, over the phone, chats, hangouts, you name it..those! I thought that maybe if we could figure out how to make these gatherings filled with more substance, solid intentions and armed with guardians/gatekeepers we will have a great shot at victory! At least ,this trumps my plan of relocating into a cave and escaping from the world forever. My brilliant solution, that didn’t pass any of my teacher’s tests😢
So back to my new approach, I watched a TED talk by Priya Parker last year that I have been reflecting for a bit and it finally struck me that that the talk has a great connection to backbiting. If you think about it well, it presents great ideas and opportunities to get rid of this thing. Well, you have to think of it from a ‘backbiting lens’ and be as desperate as I am to get rid of it, but I tell you, it is there. The talk explains how we can turn our everyday gatherings into ones that are filled with purpose, connection and have more positive and useful outcomes. It has great ideas ranging from crowdsourcing solutions to personal problems, to turning baby showers to events that will serve as safe spaces to expectant mothers, it is filled with insights, I tell you!
I will be sharing a few of these insights in this piece, that will assist us on the journey to transforming our gatherings to platforms that are less at risk of being breeding grounds for backbiting.
Starting with a purpose. The first way to get rid of idle talk is to ensure that your gatherings have clear objectives and that these objectives are strictly adhered to. This answers the simple question ‘why are we here?’. The purpose can be as simple as trying to ensure that Sister A’s hair sits under her hijab to as serious as finding ways to actively contribute to the Ummah. The goal is to ensure that this is stuck to throughout the gathering and that every attempt to deviate ,is frowned upon nicely and firmly.
Set the ground rules. I know this sounds a little extra, for a simple gathering where pizza may be the only thing on the menu, but you see my people, backbiting is serious. I am convinced that bad boy Shaytan is steady lurking in the corner waiting to pounce on every opportunity and your Nafs are there to back him up! The ability to turn just ‘quick gist’ to a full-blown sin is one in a million. Don’t fall for it people, set those rules! No backbiting in all its forms should be a clear rule and anyone who attempts should be asked to pay a fine, and you can even set up a backbiting jar similar to a swear jar to help with this. I have also included a definition of backbiting, in case anyone wants to be a little slippery during these gatherings.
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Do you know what backbiting is?” They said, “Allah and His Messenger know best.” The Prophet said, “To mention your brother in a way he dislikes.” It was said, “What if it is true about him?” The Prophet said, “If what you say about him is true, it is backbiting. If it is not true, it is slander.”
Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2589
Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Muslim
Infuse the remembrance of Allah in there. I like the idea of being mindful of Allah in all we do and how it helps us to keep our otherwise heedless selves in check. I am not referring to launching Dhikr in the middle of a restaurant here(even though that does sound good), what I mean is, starting with Allah’s name and also activities that will involve His remembrance. What does this look like in practical terms? Having a gathering that revolves around a Yaqeen Conversation such a fabulous resource for having conversations or starting a round of 5 pillars , I LOVE that game! Will that not be super cool?
Try it out and you will be surprised how simple gatherings can be transformed to avoid backbiting. At this point, you are probably thinking, these tips only work for gatherings where you are fully in control? How do we deal with others? For the rest, I will recommend a slightly different approach.
When the talk gets rough, please walk away. I know this may seem hard but there are a thousand of really great ways to excuse yourself at a gathering that is not beneficial to you. Especially when you are at risk of slipping and joining in. Remember there are consequences for the listener and the talker. So, please do not hesitate to get out of there as fast as you can!
Vet the gatherings you attend. There is nothing that is more incredibly powerful than doing a careful review of the events you want to attend. Ask yourself carefully if you need to be there if your presence there will be of any benefit to you? If you must be there, then ask How long do I need to be here for? Create a list and dig as deep as you can in your responses. My introverted ways have been very useful in making sure this a success and it beats feigning temporary deafness when people are talking to me. Nothing, I repeat nothing is worth racking up a thousand sins in less than an hour. We all pray to live long but it is incredibly dangerous to assume that we have a lot of time on earth. Imagine going to a gathering, tripling your sin count and then not making it back home to ask for forgiveness. Will it truly be worth it?
This is a non-exhaustive list and there are many resources out there that address this topic. I just really wanted us to be conscious of the risk of our gatherings in contributing to it.
Please, if you have things that have worked for you, PLEASE SHARE!
Please note : Backbiting is a very serious sin and one that should not be taken lightly. It cannot only lead to one’s downfall but can also make one lose his deeds on the day of judgment. To understand it further and learn about its cure, please click this link for a recommended course that is being offered this term at Ribaat. You can get an 80% discount code if you in Nigeria, here. This article simply provides a perspective on how we can be mindful of our everyday gatherings and ensure that they do not become a breeding ground for this sin.
Reflection Of The Week
Rizq (provision) is from God.
Pharoah, fearing that a boy from the children of Israel would grow up and bring an end to his empire, orders his soldiers to kill any baby boy born to the Children of Israel. Moses (as), born at that time, was not only saved, but was taken in the palace of Pharoah and adopted by Pharoah's wife. Refusing any wet nurse that wanted to feed him, he was reunited with his mother, who was hired as a wet nurse for him.
In a time when baby boys were being slaughtered by Pharoah, baby Moses (as) was not only saved, but his mother made an income from Pharoah's palace.
Such is the provision of God. It comes from where you do not expect.
Partial Scholarship Available
Here again with good news! The Muraqabah team are now offering 50% financial aid for anyone who wants to attend the Mindfulness Masterclass. It kicked off yesterday with a visualization session, phone detox etc. and it runs up until February 8th!Don’t we all need that? If you are interested in this partial scholarship, please send a response to this email with your full name, email and phone number. We will send it to the Muraqaba team, Insha Allah.
This video by Sh Navaid does not require my commentary. It really drives the point home re: leaving that which does not concern you and I hope that you find it beneficial.
Till Next Week, Insha Allah
We leave you in Allah’s care,
One of us at Ibadahplug